Family Dynamics in Addiction: Lessons from The Bear
(Potential spoilers for season 3 of The Bear)
After reflecting on Season 3 of The Bear, I’m ready to share some insights from my experience as a substance use therapist.
In my previous role at a substance abuse intensive outpatient program, I led a group called "Family Roles." This group provided members with a space to explore their families of origin and the families they later created. I spent countless hours hearing stories that illuminated the generational cycles and impacts of addiction and mental illness.
In Season 3, Episode 7, titled “Legacy,” we hear excerpts from Sugar’s audiobook discussing family roles in children of alcoholics. This is followed by an emotional confrontation with her mother, an alcoholic, in the next episode, where Sugar finally addresses the issues that have been left unspoken. In contrast, Carmy seems to cope with his trauma by avoiding it and channeling his energy into perfectionism. Meanwhile, Mikey, whose struggles with addiction, emotional regulation, and eventual suicide we learn about through the memories of other characters, remains a more enigmatic figure. Despite coming from the same family, their responses to their shared history are strikingly different. Why do they handle their experiences so differently?
Understanding the Impact of Addiction
Humans are wired for survival, meaning that many of our actions are driven by instincts that offer immediate rewards. However, these survival mechanisms can have negative consequences when employed repeatedly.
In a family system faced with a significant stressor, such as a member struggling with severe mental illness or addiction, each family member adjusts their role to try to maintain stability. These roles, while serving as coping mechanisms, can have lasting negative effects. This dynamic is vividly illustrated through the characters of the Berzatto family in The Bear.
Common Family Roles in Addiction:
The Enabler: This person may cover up for the addicted individual, make excuses, or shield them from consequences. Temporary peace is traded for self-deception and perpetuation of the problem behavior.
The Hero: Often the responsible and high-achieving family member who tries to compensate for the addict's behavior by overachieving. Positive attention is traded for burnout and perfectionism. Family heroes are most likely to continue the cycle by marrying an addict.
The Scapegoat: This family member acts out in response to the addict’s behavior, drawing attention away from the real issue. Negative attention may divert attention away from other family problems, but it often results in rejection, alienation, potential legal consequences, and early experimentation with drugs.
The Lost Child: This role involves withdrawing from family interactions to avoid conflict or stress caused by the addict. The relief of escape from the problem is also accompanied by isolation and a lack of conflict resolution skills.
The Mascot: Uses humor or cheerfulness to deflect attention away from the addiction and its impact on the family. There is a sense of relief that can come with a successful diversion, but it can reinforce an emotional immaturity that makes The Mascot incapable of facing uncomfortable situations.
Family Dynamics at Play:
Enabling Behaviors: Family members may inadvertently encourage the addict by covering up their behaviors or making excuses for them.
Role of Denial: Denial can be prevalent within families, where members may refuse to acknowledge the severity of the addiction to avoid confronting painful truths. What results is secrecy, isolation, potential escalation of addictive patterns, and an overall emotional toll on family members.
Codependency: Some family members may develop enmeshed relationships with the addict and other family members, where their own identity becomes intertwined with the members of the family system. This can look like: taking on the responsibility of “rescuing” others from their problems, ignoring one’s own wants and needs, making excuses for people,
Breaking the Cycle:
Ideally, the individual struggling with addiction or mental illness will receive the necessary help, and other family members will also have the opportunity to heal. However, we can't rely on others to do the work for us. Despite our best efforts, we cannot control or change the people we love, nor can we overcome the lasting impacts of being part of a traumatized system through success, love, or distraction alone. Instead, we benefit from examining the role we have been playing and determining if it still serves us well.
Education and Awareness to Reduce Stigma and Shame: Understanding addiction as a disease rather than a moral failing and learning how it affects the entire family system can help reduce stigma and shame.
Setting Boundaries: Healthy interdependence in relationships is important, but losing your sense of self within a relationship can indicate enmeshment and codependence. It’s crucial to identify and set boundaries around your time, energy, and finances to care for yourself and engage with others in a way that feels right to you.
Seeking Support: Working with a therapist or joining a support group, such as Al-Anon, can help you move beyond survival mode and establish healthier patterns.
Just because this has been a defining part of your story, does not mean it has to be the only part of your story. If you are in Illinois and are curious about learning more, feel free to contact me.
What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing- Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself- Nedra Glover Tawwab
But What Will People Say? Navigating Metal Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures- Sahaj Kaur Kohli
It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to Break the Cycle - Mark Wolynn